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Thea Lambert

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IT’S MY OBIT AND I’LL WRITE IT IF I WANT TO

When Carrie Fisher was buried last Thursday, her ashes were contained in a ceramic replica of a Prozac pill. The talented actress and writer certainly had a sense of humor about her death and, I heard, even requested that her obituary state she was strangled by her own bra.


I’ve been thinking a lot about what I would like to see written in my obituary, which, of course, would contain a long list of interesting accomplishments. I decided to take a stab at writing it myself.


Thea Lambert, the adored romance writer, died early this morning in a London hospital following her almost successful burglary of the royal jewels in the Tower of London.


Ms. Lambert planned the elaborate heist of the crown jewels as a prank. (Her pranks were legendary. For her seventy-fifth birthday, she went to Australia to fight a boxing kangaroo). The writer intended to wear the filched jewels on February 1, her eighty-first birthday. Unfortunately, the octogenarian slipped on the highly polished floor that King Charles has insisted upon since ascending the throne.


Ms. Lambert’s final moments were spent surrounded by King Charles, the Queen Consort, as well as Lambert’s family—her children and her devoted husband, Cruz Beckham, forty years her junior.


“The age difference never mattered,” Mr. Beckham declared in previous interviews. Medical staff, on condition of anonymity, commented that the fifty-year-old singer was distraught and had to be sedated.


Ms. Lambert was a New Englander and had been living in Northern California for several years when she tried her hand at writing novels. Sixty books, seven screenplays, and one Academy Award later, she was hailed as one of the most popular and humorous writers of the genre. Ironically, at age sixty, she found love with Cruz Beckham, son of the soccer legend David Beckham and singer and designer Victoria “Spice” Beckham.


At first, Lambert’s in-laws were not thrilled with the marriage as the writer was more than a decade older than they were. “But they came around,” the author once said. However, there was a five year period when no contact existed between the couples as it had been revealed that David Beckham had a tendre for his daughter-in-law. Since Lambert’s death, there have been reports that the senior Beckham had been under sedation.


Lambert and Cruz adopted four children: Milo, aged 18, Theodocia, 17, and twin daughters Mirth and Fairlight, 16.


“They are the most wonderful children,” Lambert said in an interview last year. “I am so lucky to have them at my age. They are beautiful, inside and out, and Cruz is a tremendous father.

“We do everything as a family. We’ve gone scuba diving, snowboarding, mountain climbing. I taught them to surf. They keep me young.”


The couple lived in California part of the year and Greece the rest of the time. At their estate on the isle of Corfu, Lambert would write her books, work on her cooking and cultivate new plants for her garden. She and Cruz also enjoyed swing dancing which they did every Friday when in L.A.


Ironically, Lambert never liked Los Angeles, finding it too artificial. But she did say it was a great place to have cosmetic surgery done. She was highly selective in the surgery she had as she didn’t want her face to become unrecognizable. “Have I the prettiest face?” she once wrote. “No. But I don’t want to look so different I can’t spot myself in the mirror.”


The funeral is set for tomorrow. Maroon 5 is scheduled to perform at the service if Adam Levine is well enough. Since learning of Lambert’s death, he has been in the hospital under sedation. The author’s pallbearers will be Ryan Reynolds, Chris Pratt, Ryan Gosling, Zac Ephron, and the Hemsworth brothers. Originally asked to be a pallbearer, Jensen Ackles had to refuse the honor as Lambert’s death has so upset him, he too has had to be sedated.

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