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Thea Lambert

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BAKER’S DOZEN: THIRTEEN OF THE ICKIEST ITEMS YOU CAN BUY

Sometimes, it’s hard for me to stick to a budget. There are so many great things to buy, especially online. And there are some real icky ones, ones I would never buy. Here are just a few.


Snittens The Original Snot Mittens Baby it’s cold outside and, oh no, your nose is running. Or maybe you’ve just broken up with your guy/gal and are experiencing a crying jag. What are you going to do? With these mittens, the makers say, you can wipe that drippy nose without embarrassment. Use the palmside of the gloves for tears and the backside for mucus. The makers claim it holds 28 times “its weight in snot and tears.” I’m glad I didn’t have to do the measuring.8x its weight in snot and tears


Pop It Pal: For the aspiring Dr. Pimple Popper in your family, this item lets you have the vicarious thrill of popping zits. Keeping your skin pristine. And don’t forget to buy pimple “pus” refills so the fun never stops.


“Goosh Pants”: Why anyone would want a pair of white pants that appears stained with urine on the front and feces on the back is beyond me. One ad reads, “Great for Cosplay, Festivals, Haunted Houses and Theatre.” Cosplay? What’s wrong with a Captain Marvel costume?


The Anti-Masturbation Cross: Strap your sinful kiddies onto the cross to rid them of the compulsion!


24 Karat Gold Poop Pills—There are real gold flakes in these capsules to turn your next poop into a lovely, glittery gold turd. But one capsule costs a mint. If you ask me, just do what my dog Molly did. Eat a box a crayons. You’ll poop out some lovely Jackson Pollock turds (a warning: the crayons caused her some serious constipation). #mydogpoopspollocks.


Dad Bag Beer Belly Fanny Pack: I’m not dissing someone with a belly. I’ve got one myself. But one look at the photo-realistic belly hair and the yuck factor goes waaaay up.


Flavored Toothpicks brand offers over seventy different flavors of toothpicks. But Baby Formula and Breastmilk flavors? That’s just nasty.


People Pot Pies: This latex and foam pie features a top “crust” of a dead person’s face. You can even create a special order, adding teeth, hair, or even a tongue!


UroClub Portable Urinal: What to do when you’re out on the golf course and you need to pee NOW? Use this golf club shaped urine receptacle. The plastic shaft collects the pee and you can cover your shaft with a “privacy” towel.


Moko Moko Mokoletto Toilet Foam Candy: Just pour the candy powder in the included miniature toilet, add water, and, whoosh, the candy foam expands (like Scrubbing Bubbles). Then you can suck it out with the included straw. Hope the straw isn’t plastic. That would be offensive.: What to do when you’re out on the golf course and you need to pee NOW? Use this golf club shaped urine receptacle. The plastic shaft collects the pee and you can cover your shaft with a “privacy” towel.


25 Placenta Recipes: Easy and Delicious Recipes for Cooking with Placenta: Do you like paté? Fajitas? This book has a recipe for it using human placenta. Apparently, eating one’s placenta is very healthy. I prefer being ill.


Edible Chocolate Anus: Who agreed to let his/her asshole be the mold for this? I’d still rather eat one than a placenta

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